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[Dec 10th, 11:02pm] |
I can't keep up
'Cause you're so far gone
And it's all too much hindsight
Three wasted years, wasting time
As the hunger pains grow inside( . )
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[Jan 15th, 2:30pm] |
SPAM | ANON | VOICEMAIL | TEXT
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[Nov 22nd, 4:59pm] |
The details of my mother's death weren't ever something that I was interested in knowing. I could only figure that it was drug or alcohol related, and the specifics weren't all that important. I'd been given the same sob story year after year, about how she had tried to be sober but something always kept bringing her back into that lifestyle. I'm not judging her when I say that, as I come from a family who had their fair share of addictions to battle. Every single one of us, myself included. I kicked my habit twice, whereas my mother never tried. She claimed to, but she had built a lifetime of lies that nobody ever considered believing. Why would they? I've always resented her and I've had many reasons. One, I spent my childhood raising my two sisters. My dad died after the youngest one was born, but I remember him. I remember everything about him. He always had a cigarette in his mouth, and he always smelled like bourbon. His voice cracked when he laughed, or basically just when he talked. He called me 'junior' or 'kid', and I've always looked exactly like him. He said it was like I literally 'fell out of his mouth'. I know why he died. Even as a kid, I knew that. But my sisters? I'm not entirely sure if he was their father. I've had my doubts about that for many years. He was never around, and would either be working or out playing pool in a dive bar somewhere. My mother was never around either. When they were both home at the same time, it was like a war zone. Not even a month after he died, she was off trying to fill his shoes with anyone who would so much as look at her.
These are things that I've never really dwelled on. Even if they weren't my father's kids, they were my mother's, and I raised them. I probably didn't do a very good job of it, as I always resented them for merely being born. It wasn't through any fault of their own, but I hated them anyway. There was a small period of time where I accepted Chloe. It was as far back as about two years ago when we reached some kind of common ground and began to hang around one another. But just like when she was a kid, she followed me around and copied everything that I did. I wasn't doing favorable things in those days, and I guess that I just didn't want to deal with her after she began to do the same shit. It was like my mother all over again. I had visions ( off the wall, I'm sure ) of me being forced to raise Chloe's illegitimate children because she had lost herself to drugs. So, I tapped out. She has no children to speak of, I just didn't want it to ever get to that point. As far as Audrey went, I never liked that little fucker. My mother always maintained that she had been sober throughout those two pregnancies, but eh, I'm not sure I believe her with the last one. There was always something off about Audrey. She was always just .. lost. This little, annoying, ungrateful, lost soul. I didn't go to her funeral.
I never wanted kids, or a wife, or any type of family. But I have two kids and I'm getting married, and I don't know if Kiely is going to want more kids, but I'm open to it. How could I not be? I look at Arissa and Jude, and I see everything that I was not. I see potential. And while I always have some sort of derogatory comment about Joselyn, I'm not going to this time. She's a good mother. She's better than I had, and I am grateful that she is. There are never any doubts in my mind. Nothing keeping me up at night. I know that her and Brooklyn are taking care of my kids when I'm not, and that's all that I can really ask for. Anyway, the reason for my incoherent rambling is that my sister sent me a copy of the autopsy report, as well as the results of the toxicology report. I don't know why. That was very random of her to do, considering my mother died a while ago already. I haven't opened it. I keep going back and forth over whether or not I should.
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[May 2nd, 9:02pm] |
WHO: Brady & Kiely ( Private SL )
WHEN: Saturday May 2nd; Night
WHERE: His place; after dinner and drinks
WHAT: Catching up
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